Alphatribe’s very own version of an agony aunt. Can’t get it up in the sack? Struggling with your ‘open’ relationship? Or simply wondering what PrEP is? Then this is the man you need to talk to!
Justin Duwe, BSc, MA, SAC Dip, Dip, MBACP, is an openly gay psychologist, sexologist, and
columnist. He runs a busy and successful private practice in central London where he specialises in addictions, sexual issues, relationship matters, body image issues, existential crisis, and more. With over 12 years mental health experience, he has helped hundreds of people across the globe achieve their personal and professional goals. His innovative and challenging approach to therapy has earned him an excellent professional reputation amongst his colleagues and he is known affectionally by his clients as ‘London’s top gay psychologist.’
All questions posed to Justin will be handled in a private and confidential manner. Don’t worry – he’s here to help and get you the answers to the questions you’re too scared to ask.
Mobile: +44 7717664177
My boyfriend is poz and he keeps suggesting I become poz too, he even has offered to organise a conversion party for me, I feel like giving in and just doing it?
Your boyfriend sounds like he is trying to control you. When a relationship is healthy, partners want their loved ones to be safe and healthy, purposefully giving someone a life-long health condition, that is lethal if not treated properly, is not congruent with healthy
love. Surly, your boyfriend can come up with other healthier ways to feel close to you besides sharing his HIV with you.
Many individuals who desire to become infected with HIV via their partners wish to feel closer and understand them better. There are healthier ways to go about this, i.e. talking and sharing common interests, etc. After all, who is to say that the two of you won’t break up? He may leave, but if you are successful in becoming infected with HIV you are looking at a long time of medical appointments and medication until a cure is found, in addition having to deal with what will probably be an unwanted reminder of your past relationship. Remember, its like I say always say to my clients, “You will accept the type of love you deserve.”
I watch a couple of hours gay porn every evening and I don’t really watch anything else at all, I haven’t had real sex for several months am I addicted?
Pornography addiction is hotly contested by many psychologists. I believe this is because they haven’t had enough clinical experience working with people whose lives have been destroyed by their porn habits. I can’t tell you how many times I have worked with a man whose life has been ruined because of his sex life. Sex and porn addiction is a very serious issue and needs to be taken as such.
Simply watching porn does not make you an addict. Nor does just watching it for over an hour or more. What usually tips me off to a possible addiction to pornography or sex is when my client has difficulty functioning or risks running into other issues as a result of their porn or sex habits. Have you tried to limit your porn use but failed? Have you noticed that you are watching more or more extreme forms of porn? Would you feel comfortable if your porn watching habits were made public knowledge? If you have answered “No” to these questions, then you may have a porn/sex addiction. I would recommend that if you have concerns about how porn is affecting your life that you speak with an expert about your habits in more detail.
I was raped a few years ago by several guys at military camp when I was doing my conscription service and now, I just cannot face being penetrated, I have not been penetrated since that day, what can I do to reclaim my sex life?
First, let me say how sorry I am that you have experienced this, I too am a survivor of sexual assault. Regardless of the context or who did what to whom, there are common psychological and sexual effects that sexual assault can have. Many of the men and women that I work with don’t even know they are still affected by the assault because they become numb to the effects of their trauma.
It is important that you acknowledge that you are not at fault for what happened. Many survivors feel responsible for their assault in some way and carry around shame and guilt as a result of these beliefs.
This is not helpful, and it is not true. You may have played a part, but you do not bear full responsibility for what happened.
Secondly, you need to know that your feelings around being penetrated are normal. You are not broken; your mind and body are working to protect you from experiencing another trauma. Your hesitation to have anal penetration is a sign that you care about yourself on some level. The mind works to remember things that are traumatic, this is hard-wired into our DNA.
You can work to change your feelings about anal sex and separate this from what happened to you. Sexual assault is not sex, it is an abuse of power, IT IS NOT SEX. Sex is consensual, fun and pleasurable. If you are finding is hard to imagine having anal sex again then you may wish to speak with a trained sex therapist. Many of the cases a sex therapist works with are about rehabilitation from sexual assaults. With proper therapy and support, most of my clients are able to fully recover their sexual selves and enjoy satisfying sex lives. Please don’t assume that it always has to be like this, change is possible, take it from someone who knows first-hand!